Assorted Bits of Advice

Memo to Floridians: The Ivory Madonna is sorry about your losses due to Hurricane Charley. She wishes to express her sympathy with the victims of Hurricane Georges in 1998, Hurricanes Erin and Opal in 1995, Hurricane Andrew in 1992, Agnes in 1972, Betsy in 1965, Cleo in 1964, Donna in 1960, and hundreds of other lesser hurricanes and tropical storms that have ravaged Florida over the past three centuries.

She also wishes to remind Floridians that there is absolutely no law against moving to a safer state.

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Memo to Republicans Who Are Disenchanted With Bush: The Ivory Madonna feels your pain. The economy is in the toilet. The United States has lost what few friends it had in the world. Both the Federal Budget Deficit and the Trade Deficit are at the highest levels ever. The rich keep getting richer, the poor keep getting poorer, and the middle class are sinking lower and lower. Civil liberties continue to vanish under Yellow Alerts, Orange Alerts, Red Alerts, Chartruese Alerts. Almost a thousand U.S. troops have died in Iraq, all because of Weapons of Mass Destruction that weren't there and an alleged connection between Saddam and al-Queada that doesn't exist.

And yet you just can't bring yourself to vote for Kerry.

The Ivory Madonna understands. Her first suggestion is that you consider casting a protest vote for Nader. Many other Republicans are doing the same.

Yeah, the Ivory Madonna hears you. Nader? Yuck.

There is hope. The Ivory Madonna reminds you that there is absolutely no law requiring you to vote. You don't want to vote for Bush, you can't vote for Kerry or Nader. So stay home this time. It's okay. Really.

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Memo to Virginians: You don't have to stay there. Honestly. There's no law that says you can't move.

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.