All-Purpose Religious News Story

The following is offered as a time-saver for harried reporters. Just fill in the appropriate blanks.

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A melee broke out last week in [city], after a group of fundamentalist [name of religion] young people set a fire outside a celebrated [artwork] that portrays [religious figure] as [attribute].

The [work]’s content has led to threats against the work and its creator. In the latest, a group of young people torched [person, place, or thing]. [Officials] intervened and as many as [number] people joined the fight, according to news reports.

[Name of work] toured [place] widely after it premiered in [city] in [year]. At times, [name of artist] was given police protection from the resulting threats. [Portion of work] was damaged/destroyed in [year] by a protester wielding [weapon].

[Religious leader] has denounced [artist] and [work] and called for [punishment]. All across [portion of world], protests have sprung up calling for [punishment] for [artist] and [dire fate] for [work], leaving [number] dead and/or injured.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

People Aren't Rational

It's something the Ivory Madonna constatntly has to remind herself...people aren't rational.

Take religious believers (please!) We keep wanting them to make sense. We say things like, "According to your own beliefs, if you are against abortion then you should also be agaisnt the death penalty" or "Your own scriptures tell you that all unbelievers should be put to death, how can you believe that?"

It doesn't work that way. Religious belief isn't consistent and doesn't make sense. Religious believers don't study their scripture and beliefs in order to decide their opinions -- they form their opinions first, then cherry-pick among their scriptures and beliefs to justify those opinions. Anything in the scripture or the beliefs that contradicts their opinions...they just ignore. Or rationalize away.

Take free market forces. We keep wanting to assume that people will make rational decisions in the free market...and that over time, the decisions people make will lead to a better life for all.

It doesn't work that way. Unleaded gasoline is a great example. A few decades ago, lead poisoning was epidemic among children, largely due to lead in gasoline. Unleaded gasoline was safer, but more expensive. But is was clear that we would all be better off if we moved to unleaded gasoline.

Did consumers make the rational decision, and buy unleaded gas even though it cost more? Did market forces drive leaded gasoline away?

You know it didn't happen that way. Government regulation forced leaded gasoline off the market. If we'd relied on market forces to do the job, leaded gas would still be everywhere, and we'd be into the second or third generation of brain-damaged adults. (Hmmm...has anyone investigated lead exposure and the Bush family?)

Yes, individual people can behave rationally and make rational decisions, and should be encouraged to do so. But it's not our default state -- and we should stop assuming it is.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

He Died Doing What He Loved

It's a phrase common in obituaries: "He died doing what he loved."

Not to pick on any particular person or occupation, but it's often said of sports figures, daredevils, and soldiers.

As if dying while doing something you love is somehow noble, or at least admirable.

No disrespect, but that's total hooey.

Anyone who dies of a drug overdose "died doing what he loved." A psycho sniper shot down in mid-rampage "died doing what he loved." Suicide bombers "die doing what they love." Mohammad Atta "died doing what he loved."

If you die while doing something careless, stupid, or downright immoral, whether or not you loved that thing doesn't make it any less careless, stupid, or immoral. And if you don't die from it, the fact that you loved it still doesn't change things.

Perhaps we are conditioned to believe that "doing what you love" is basically a good thing, and that takes some of the sting out of death. And in some cosmic sense, maybe dying while doing something you love is better than dying while doing something you hate (but we also speak of death coming as a blessed release from pain, so perhaps not...)

Or maybe, when contemplating death, we are desperate to find something...anything...positive to say.

Personally, I think I'd rather be remembered with the words, "She lived doing what she loved. And it was something worthwhile."

M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Non-Theist

More and more, the Ivory Madonna is describing herself as a "non-theist." She prefers this term to "atheist," and here's why.

Ask an atheist if god (or gods) exist, and the atheist will treat the question as one worthy of serious consideration. The answer is "no," but the question is entertained.

Ask a non-theist the same question, and the non-theist won't even admit that the question is worthy of consideration.

Perhaps an analogy will help.

Let's consider Frodo Baggins, hero of Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings. This plucky little Hobbit bore the One Ring all the way to Mordor and into the fires of Mount Doom, thereby saving the world. Afterward, he went into the West, to live happily ever after with the Elves and Valar.

Imagine running into someone who calls himself a Frodoist. This person is convinced that Frodo exists. Ask him, "Does Frodo exist?" and his answer will be an enthusiastic "yes!"

A Frodo-agnostic is not sure if Frodo exists or not. Asked "Does Frodo exist?" the Frodo-Agnostic answers, "I'm not sure."

An a-Frodoist is sure Frodo doesn't exist. Asked "Does Frodo exist?" the a-Frodoist answers, "No, I'm certain that Frodo does not exist."

A non-Frodoist (which describes just about all of us), when asked "Does Frodo exist?" answers, "What an idiotic question! It's a great story, but if you have to ask whether Frodo actually exists, you are either (a) a very small child, or (b) out of your flipping mind."

The Ivory Madonna trusts that you get the point.

No one is a Frodoist, Frodo-agnostic, or a-Frodist. We are all non-Frodoists. (The Ivory Madonna leaves out a very few True believers.) Similarly, we are all non-Rhett-Butlerists, non-Bugs-Bunnyists, and non-Zhivagoists.

In the same way, the Ivory Madonna is a non-theist.

Like The Lord of the Rings, the whole God/Bible/Jehovah/Jesus thing is a story. Also true of the Koran, the Greek and Norse myths, Hindu mythology, etc. One can enjoy, appreciate, and critique all or parts of these tales as literature.

But when it comes to the point of seriously asking whether god (or gods) are real...well, you have the mentality of either (a) a very small child or (b) a flipping idiot.

-M.

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Idiots Against Cancer Vaccine

According to this story, Texas Governor Rick Perry "issued an order Friday making Texas the first state to require that schoolgirls get vaccinated against the sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer."

The article goes on to say that "Perry sidestepped opposition in the Legislature from conservatives and parents' rights groups who fear such a requirement would condone premarital sex and interfere with the way Texans raise their children."

Excuse me?

For more than half a century we have been anxiously awaiting a cure for cancer. Okay, technically this is a vaccine, not a cure, but the Ivory Madonna is not about to quibble over technicalities.

We have a cure for cancer. And there are idiots who are against it.

We don't have food pills, we don't have flying cars, but we now have a fucking cure for cancer. And these nitwits oppose it.

If these fools don't want to belong to the 21st Century, the Ivory Madonna sees no reason that they should be brought into it, kicking and screaming. Let them stay in an antiquated, primitive world that doesn't include such scientific wonders as a cure for cancer.

But why should those fools be allowed to take innocent little girls with them? And not just their own little girls, the way Christian Scientists and the Amish do...these fools want everyone's little girls to stay in the dark ages. They're not content to let their own little girls die of cancer -- they want to prevent everyone's little girls from getting the vaccine.

That's not just stupid...it's criminal.

Listen, all of you who are against the vaccine -- go back to your primitive, pre-Millennial world. Be like the Amish...withdraw from the technological society you hate so much, leave the rest of us to enjoy our medical progress and cures for cancer. We promise we won't ever pollute your bodies with the treatments and cures that 21st-century medicine brings us.

But don't force the rest of us to live in the dark ages with you. And don't take our little girls.

M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Numbers

In the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, a grand total of 2,973 people died.

As of today, 3,000 American troops have died in Mr. Bush's Iraq war.

Who is the bigger butcher...al Queada or Bush?

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

The War on Earthquakes

While watching a science show the other night, the Ivory Madonna heard the following statement about earthquakes:

We know that there are going to be large earthquakes, and that they are going to injure and kill thousands of people. The best we can do is to study earthquakes, learn as much as we can about them, and take whatever steps we can to minimize the risks to those who are caught in them.

Two thought experiments spring to mind.

First, in the statement above, replace the word "earthquakes" with "terrorism."

Okay, have you thought about that for a moment? Good. Here's the second thought experiment. In the phrase "War on Terrorism," replace the word "terrorism" with "earthquakes."

The War on Earthquakes.

The notion of conducting a "war" on earthquakes is so patently absurd, that it's hard not to giggle. Whatever the appropriate response to earthquakes, war is obvious not it.

So when those in power speak of a "war on terrorism" (or, more frequently, a "war on terror"), why don't we all giggle and dismiss the notion as the absurdity it is?

Study terrorism. Learn all we can about it. Take whatever steps we can to minimize the risks to those caught in it. But don't make war against it, and don't think you're ever going to eliminate it entirely.

What's next, a war on volcanoes? Military campaigns against blizzards? More troops to eliminate the threat of tsunamis?

M.

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

What To Do About Iraq

Everyone says that nobody has a solution to the mess in Iraq. Well, they haven't asked the Ivory Madonna.

In June 2005 she told you the solution, and she's going to repeat it here. Take notes, folks, because there will be a quiz.

Step One: Admit that the presence of US troops makes the problem worse, and commit to getting them out of Iraq as soon as possible.

Step Two: Go to the United Nations and apologize. Apologize for creating this mess, apologize for making it worse, apologize for saying nasty things about the U.N. If Bush must go, hat-in-hand, then so be it. Let him wait in the snow for the Secretary-General to admit him. If his stubborn pride won't allow him to go, then send Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. The world must see that we know we've made a mistake, and we're sorry.

Step Three: Ask the U.N. to take over in Iraq. With any luck, they'll put together a multinational force with lots of representation from Muslim nations, but it's not our place to tell the U.N. how. We've screwed up so badly, it's not our place to tell anyone how to clean up.

Step Four: Pay for it. Make a national commitment to provide the U.N. with the money to get the job done. Yes, that's going to mean higher taxes, elimination of the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, and we will have to give up some of the things we were hoping we could accomplish. Tough. We broke it, we need to pay for it.

Step Five: Shut up and get the hell out of the way. We can't be telling people what to do and trying to impose our will on the world any more. The U.S. has no credibility on the world stage right now. Now is the time for us to follow orders, not give them.

Step Six: Get U.S. troops out of Iraq as soon as the U.N. thinks we should...but make it sooner rather than later. Months, not years.

If we follow these recommendations, we have a chance of getting out of this in an honorable, workable fashion. We have a chance to begin repairing the damaged reputation of the U.S. We have a chance to start getting the world back on our side.

There, that wasn't too difficult, was it?

M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Immigration

The question of the day seems to be, how is the US going to keep out all those Hispanics who sneak in, wanting nothing more than a better life for themselves and their families.

Conservatives are full of solutions. Throw the undocumented/illegal immigrants in jail. (Conservatives love anything that will give them an excuse to build more prisons.) Send them back to their home countries. (It's free trade, you see.) Beef up the borders: build a fence (yeah, that will work), build a wall (hey, it worked for Hadrian!), hire more border guards and have them shoot to kill (on the plus side, it would mean more men with guns and more people getting killed in Texas; on the minus side, where are we going to get all the extra border guards? I know, we'll hire illegal aliens!).

None of these solutions are really workable. Yet there is a philosophy there that might be useful if we just look at it the right way. That philosophy is, "stop them before they get here."

Why do people come into the US illegally (and often at great physical risk)? Why will they keep coming, even if we build a Great Wall across the southern border? Because they're looking for a better life than they have at home.

The obvbious solution: Make their home lives better.

Okay, these folks come into the US from all of South and Central America. And the Ivory Madonna is willing to admit that it's a little extreme to think of raising the standard of living in all those countries. Thus, she presents a more modest proposal. Call it The Great Wall of Mexico.

Let us embark upon a Marshall-type plan to raise the standard of living in Mexico to the equivalent of (at least) Europe's.

What does this do? First, it removes the incentive for Mexicans to come into the US. Why go through all the trouble of illegal immigration if things at home aren't so bad? (We don't seem to have a problem with millions of people sneaking across the northern border from Canada.) Second (and this is the key bit), it makes Mexico the target from the rest of Central & South America. After all, most US-bound immigrants pass through Mexico on their way (kinda hard to cross the southern US border without going through Mexico). If life in Mexico is good, why won't they stop there?

In effect, we could turn Mexico into a "wall," a thousand-mile buffer zone that would soak up potential immigrants before they get to the US.

As time goes on, we could continue the Marshall-type plans southward, eventually to raise the standard of living for all of Central & South America.

Yes, the Great Wall of Mexico would cost a lot -- but so would prisons, armed guards, and border fences from San Diego to Brownsville. And this way, the money would go to productive uses.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Rising Tides

The catchphrase among conservatives is "a rising tide lifts all boats."

Our experience during the Bush years has showed that while a rising tide may lift all boats, a tide that rises too high also overtops the levies and drowns low-lying houses.

In other words...conservative economic policies are great if you're on a boat (particularly one you inherited from your rich parents or grandparents) -- but hell if you're in a low-lying house with no realistic means of escape.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Secularizin Religious Holidays

We are coming out of a winter holiday season in which the Christianists made themselves extraordinarily obnoxious over the "secularization" of religious holidays, particularly Christmas. (The Ivory Madonna prefers to call it Krismas, a celebration of the birth of Kris Kringle . . .but she's also rather fond of "Happy Chrismahanukwazakah" as a greeting.)

How odd, then, that St. Valentine's Day came and went in a thoroughly secular fashion, without a murmur from the Christianists. How odd that they aren't out in the streets protesting the secularization of St. Patrick's Day.

Or, perhaps not so odd. They realize that Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day, like Christmas, have become the property of the larger (secular) culture, and that they'd sound pretty silly protesting that no one honors the "sanctity of St. Valentine's Day" or the "deeper meaning of St. Patrick's Day."

What they don't realize, is that their identical arguments about Christmas sound equally silly.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

South Dakota

So the South Dakota legislature has passed a bill outlawing abortion, and the Governor seems certain to sign it into law.

This kind of theocratic, non-inclusive politics no doubt explains why South Dakota is such an economic, intellectual, and cultural powerhouse.

The phrase "cultural wasteland" springs to mind....

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

The Opening Wedge Down the Slippery Slope

"If we allow gay marriage, the next step is polygamy/incestual marriage/marraige to pets/marriage to Fords/etc."

The conservatives and Christianists say this all the time.

Take a step back. What they are actually saying is:

The sole reason that we don't have polygamy/etc. is because gays can't marry. Once gays are allowed to marry, there is no other conceivable reason to bar polygamy, incestual marriage, etc.

Huh?

The only thing preventing marriage between people and their pets, is the fact that two women who love one another can't marry?

Do they have any idea how stupid that is?

Obviously not.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

The Death Penalty

There's talk again about the death penalty.

The Ivory Madonna is neither for nor against. Her position is a little more nuanced, and frankly, she distrusts anyone who has an absolutist view on the matter. She distrusts anyone who claims that they know all the answers. Absolutely. :)

Personally, the Ivory Madonna would prefer not to use the death penalty. She tends to agree with Gandalf the Grey: "Many who live deserve death. And some who die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement."

Still, in the case of a particularly heinous criminal -- a Jeffrey Dahmer or Timothy McVeigh -- when the evidence is clear-cut and there is no chance of mistake . . . then if you feel that you must execute, for "closure" or "justice" or whatever reason, the Ivory Madonna will not stand in your way.

(She will say that it was probably a mistake to execute McVeigh so soon . . . who knows what accomplices he might have had, or other plans he might have alerted us to? We will never know.)

Now, to the Ivory Madonna's taste, death is too easy a punishment in such cases -- the sort of namby-pamby, bleeding-heart sentimentality that liberals are always accused of. Life in prison -- real prison, not white-collar country clubs -- is a much more lasting punishment, and should satisfy anyone's lust for revenge. But she's certainly not going to object if the rest of you want to put a McVeigh or Dahmer out of his misery quickly.

It's the less clear-cut cases that are the problem, isn't it? The ones where there is a shadow of doubt . . . even a bare possibility of mistake. For death is, in computer terms, "not-undoable." If someone is imprisoned and we find out we've made a mistake, they can be freed. If someone is fined and we find out we've made a mistake, they can be paid back. But if someone is killed and we find out we've made a mistake . . . which we have, in the past . . . there's really no way to make good.

You'd think Christians and Christianists would be familiar with this concept: their Jesus said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." But Christians and Christianists are too busy fighting gay marriage and protesting abortion to speak up about the death penalty.

Long ago, the Ivory Madonna read some philosopher or theologian, she can't remember whom, who was speaking of the existence of Hell. He said: "Because god is just, I believe that there is a Hell. And because god is merciful, I believe that Hell is empty."

The Ivory Madonna thinks that isn't a bad model for the death penalty. Because we are just, we should have a death penalty. And because we are merciful, we should not use it.

Lots of people have the "just" thing down pat; it's the "merciful" that they need to work on.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Stay the Course

The Ivory Madonna has changed her mind about the war in Iraq.

She is no longer advocating an immediate withdrawal of US troops, coupled with efforts to persuade other nations (especially Arab countries) to take over peacekeeping duties in Iraq.

Instead, she now believes that the US should Stay the Course.

(stay with me here)

The Ivory Madonna believes that it is vitally important for the United States to keep troops in Iraq until the job is done. That we should definitely Stay the Course. For how long? Well, ideally until the middle of November, 2008...but at very least until the middle of November of 2006.

Why has the Ivory Madonna changed her mind?

Because if the US keeps troops in Iraq until the November 2006 elections, then it's almost certain that the Republicans will lose control of both the House and the Senate. And if we can keep our boys & girls over there until after the 2008 elections, then there won't be a single Republican left in office anywhere in the country.

Yes, there will be casualties, and the Ivory Madonna regrets that. But our brave soldiers are fighting for more than liberty and democracy in Iraq -- they are fighting to preserve liberty and democracy here in the United States. Their injuries and deaths will not be in vain...for each one brings us closer to the complete defeat of tyranny here at home.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

No Relief for Louisiana

My friend and creator, Don Sakers, has issued the following statement about Louisiana and the devastation that state has suffered from Hurricane Katrina.

As I write this, much of Louisiana -- including New Orleans -- is a disaster area. The damage done by Hurricane Katrina was devastating, refugees are in bad straits everywhere, and there is widespread looting and pillaging in the streets.

Under ordinary circumstances, I would rush to my checkbook to send off a donation to the Red Cross. I have routinely done this in the wake of every major disaster in the last few decades.

However, these are not ordinary circumstances.

In 2004, the residents of Louisiana overwhelmingly approved a constitutional amendment denying same-sex couples not only the right to marry, but the right to enter into any sort of civil union. Louisiana made it blindingly, abundantly clear that they did not want same-sex couples in their state. In Louisiana, gay people are second-class citizens.

Well, if Louisiana doesn't want us, it certainly doesn't want our money. Therefore, I will not be sending any relief money to Louisiana. I urge all other gay people and their friends not to send any gay-tainted dollars to this bigoted state. They have made their bed, now let them float in it.

-Don Sakers

What more can I say but "You go, girl!"

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

This Country Was Founded On...

Conservatives and Christianists are always telling us that "This country (i.e. the USA) was founded on Judeo-Christian principles and based on the authority of the Bible."

False.

Very false. In fact, the USA was founded on rationalism and the humanist ideals of the Enlightenment, based on the writings of Locke, Rousseau, and that whole crowd.

Doesn't that sound familiar from sixth-grade Civics class? (If not, then you probably went to a religious school or were home-schooled. Or possibly you went to school in Kansas, and were also taught that the world was created in six days, that the Earth is flat, and that George W. Bush is a good President.)

Many of the early European settlers fled to North America to escape religious persecution in their own countries. (Some fled to North America so that they could set up their own persecution of other religions.) See, that sounds pretty familiar, too, doesn't it?

The Founders were quite aware of the dangers of an official state religion, and of unfettered power for religion in general. They deliberately established a nation without an official religion, a nation where the state is forbidden to "make any law respecting an establishment of religion." (If that doesn't sound familiar, stop reading now...you are probably already in serious trouble with the theocrats who run your government.)

The Christianists and Conservatives keep telling the lie that this country was founded on religious beliefs. And because they repeat it so often, everyone starts believing the lie.

The only way to combat a lie is to tell the truth, to tell it repeatedly and positively. So please do the Ivory Madonna a favor. The next time you hear someone spouting that "Judeo-Christian nation" claptrap, or talking about passing laws based on the Ten Commandments or the Bible or the Apocrypha, please say what the Ivory Madonna says:

"This country was founded on rationalism and the humanist ideals of the Enlightenment, and it saddens me to see this creeping religionism that turns its back on those ideals."

If enough of us tell the truth often enough, maybe the lie will fade away....

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

God and the Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts are reeling from a set of tragedies recently. First, four adult scoutmasters were electrocuted at the Boy Scout Jamboree; then dozens of Scouts were overcome by stifling heat at the same event; now comes word that an adult troop leader and a teenage Scout were struck by lightning and killed in Calfornia.

All of these deaths and injuries are terrible, and the Ivory Madonna sends her sympathy to the families and friends of the unfortunate victims.

These tragedies have a deeper dimension, however. Electrocution, stifling heat, lightning strikes...these are the traditional symbols of divine displeasure. All that's missing is the stench of brimstone and the odd pillar of salt.

If the Ivory Madonna were a religious believer (she isn't, so she wouldn't be allowed to join the Boy Scouts even if she were a boy), she would argue that these tragedies are evidence of an angry God showing His displeasure at an organization that uses His name to discriminate against girls, gays, and atheists.

How odd that our self-proclaimed religious leaders have not made this point. They are quick enough to see the will and word of God in other tragedies -- for example, seeing the 9/11 attacks as evidence of God's displeasure with feminists, gays, and abortion. Why are they silent on the deeper meanings of these Boy Scout tragedies?

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

The Iraq Mess

Bush's speech last night was remarkable...for the kid-gloves reaction that it's getting from the oppoition and the domestic press.

The Democrats are falling all over themselves to approve of Bush's "tough determination"; the only thing they can fault is his constant repetition of the falsehood that there's a link between Iraq and 9/11. The domestic press, much the same.

Here's what nobody's saying:

1. The man who has led this entire two-year disaster, who got us into this mess in the first place and who has made it worse with every decision, got up in front of the country and said, "In order to get us out of this mess, we're going to keep doing exactly what we've been doing so far." He offered absolutely nothing new.

We don't know for sure what will work in Iraq...but we sure know what doesn't work. And Bush says we're going to do more of it. Our failed policies and practices will continue.

And no one called him on it!

2. Every moment the U.S. stays in Iraq, the situation gets worse. We are an occupying force, and the people of Iraq hate being occupied. (You might feel much the same if the U.S. Army moved into your house to "protect you.") The longer we're there, the more resentment we produce...not just in Iraq, but across the entire Arab world.

The Democrats and the domestic press agree with Bush, "Of course the U.S. can't withdraw from Iraq, we need to stay there for many, many years."

Pardon my Slobbovian, but that's a load of crap. The US has zero credibility on the world stage. Statements like this just reinforce the notion that we're there for the oil, and we're never going to leave.

The United States needs to turn Iraq over to a bona-fide international peacekeeping force as soon as possible -- preferably yesterday. Ideally, this international force would be largely Arab, almost entirely Muslim. Bush needs to go to the United Nations, hat in hand, and make abject apologies..."We know we made a mess of this, we know that you told us so, and we know that our presence there is only making things worse. I'm sorry that I called the U.N. 'irrelevant'; boy, have I learned that I was wrong. We want you to take over. Here's a hundred billion dollars to help. And by the way, I'm withdrawing Bolton's nomination effective immediately."

The United States cannot succeed in Iraq as long as we are in Iraq. A true international force is the only thing that can get us out of this mess.

3. Bush said -- and the Democrats & domestic press swallowed it whole -- that it will take years to train native Iraqi forces.

Let's see. The United States Army can take a high school dropout from one of our spectacularly failing public schools (to coin a phrase, a child who's been left behind), and in six weeks they can turn that child into a soldier (in fact, according to Bush's ultra-patriotic rhetoric, into the best soldier in the world). Yet that same Army will take years to turn an educated Iraqi into an inferior copy of the same soldier.

Huh?

Does no one notice the lapse in logic here?

Does no one notice how insulting this is to the Iraqi people?


One last thing. On NPR yesterday, they were asking people in the street what they would have liked to have heard from Bush. Nobody asked the Ivory Madonna, but she's going to answer anyway.

What the Ivory Madonna would have liked to hear Bush say: "I resign."

Just the Ivory Madonna's thoughts....

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Sowing the Wind . . .

You've heard the story by now: Interrogators at Guantanamo Bay "in an attempt to rattle suspects, flushed a Qur'an down a toilet..."

Flushed...a copy of the Koran...down a toilet.

No wonder the Muslim world hates us. The Ivory Madonna is not so crazy about us, right now. In fact, she is simultaneously livid, sick to her stomach, and deeply ashamed to be an American.

This act is offensive far, far beyond burning a flag or an effigy of a country's leader. This is a profound act of disrespect toward the most holy symbol of Islam. It spits in the eyes of the billion-plus Muslims across the globe.

It's hard to find any act that a Muslim could do that would be as offensive to Americans. Even if a Muslim would, for example, flush a copy of the Bible down the toilet -- and what Muslim could force himself to do that? -- it still wouldn't have the same level of offense.

When you look in the Hitchhiker's Guide under "How to earn the undying hatred of every Muslim in the world," you see a picture of someone flushing the Koran down a toilet.

Could the United States have performed any other single act that would be more of an offense? The Ivory Madonna and her friends have been wracking their brains, and they have come up with only one way to make it worse: the interrogators could have wiped themselves with the pages before flushing. And the horror is, (a) we don't know that they didn't, and (b) it doesn't matter...the symbolic effect is the same.

How would our ever-so-patriotic Republicans react if officials of another country -- Muslim or not? -- had flushed an American flag down the toilet? Damn right: they would now be demanding action. You can almost hear the echoes of "bomb them into the Stone Age."

Multiply that outrage by a factor of ten, and you will begin to understand how Muslims -- even moderate, secular Muslims -- feel about us. Right now, there are more than a billion people who want to bomb us into the Stone Age...or further.

One wishes to be charitable, to say that the interrogators did not fully appreciate what they were doing -- but it's hard to believe that. This can only have been an intentional act, a deliberate insult. It was beyond stupid...it was the mean-spirited act of unlettered, uncultured, uncouth barbarians.

Because of this act, America will have trouble. And we will deserve everything we get. We have deliberately invited the hatred of the entire Muslim world. In the name of national security and public safety, we have invited retribution that will make 9/11 look like a children's birthday party.

Next time around, when we reap the whirlwind, remember . . . we sowed the wind.


-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.