Republicans on the Run

With the Democratic victory in Mississippi, the Republicans are on the run. The November election looks to be a rout, with the Democratic Party triumphing across the board.

Which means the Republicans are getting desperate. And we've all learned just how dangerous they can be when they're desperate. There is nothing that Cheney and company won't do to retain power...nothing.

Some people are worried that there will be another terrorist attack before November. Some are even worried that, in the wake of such an attack, Bush would suspend elections and try to hold onto the White House.

The Ivory Madonna didn't used to worry about such a scenario. In order to carry out such a coup, the White House would need the unquestioning support of the military...and Bush just doesn't have it.

Lately, though, friends have suggested a more sinister scenario that might have a chance to succeed. Try this on as a thought experiment: Before the election in November, the nation suffers a major terrorist attack. In the course of this attack, assassins kill both Bush and the Democratic nominee (presumably Mr. Obama). President Cheney declares martial law, cancels the election, and disappears into a Secure Undisclosed Location -- defended by fantatical Christian soldiers who believe they are fighting on the side of god.

But nah, that would require someone with influence in some radical foreign country like (say) Saudia Arabia, friends and supporters among the military and the radical Christian right, a total disregard for law and the Constitution, and contempt for the opinions of his countryfolk.

Oh.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Caves and Christianists

You know, the Christianists are nowhere near as pervasive as they would have us believe.

For decades now, the Ivory Madonna and her friends have been touring caves and caverns. It's just a thing we do. We just recently got back from Mammoth Caves National Park, and we've been to caves all over this fine nation. In particular, we've visited just about every cave complex in the Shenandoah Valley, VA -- the heart of God's Country. [Just as a footnote, we no longer go to Virginia, due to the hateful anti-gay laws.]

Now, all cave tours include the obligatory information about how the caves formed: water seeping through stone, dissolving minerals, acting over millions of years to carve out huge open spaces and deposit beautiful formations.

In all this time, never -- not once -- have we heard anyone in the audience object that the Bible says the world is only 6,000 years old. Not once have we heard a Christianist (or any other brand of religious nut) say anything to challenge the guide's scientific explanation of the natural wonders about us.

Several explanations spring to mind. Perhaps Christianists just don't go on cave tours. That's hardly likely, though...why would they give up a chance to witness the glory of their god's creation? (Or are they all afraid to leave their homes and go traveling?)

Perhaps there are plenty of Christianists on these tours, but they are all so ashamed of their ridiculous beliefs that they keep quiet in mixed company. That's a comforting thought...but they certainly aren't shy about spouting their nonsense on the national airwaves.

Or perhaps there are so few Christianists in the general population that one is unlikely to run into any, even in a lifetime of tour groups. The Ivory Madonna likes this explanation the best.

In any case, it appears that the Christianists are neither numerous enough nor brave enough to contradict a harmless tour guide...so why do the rest of us take them so seriously?

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Apparently...

Apparently, "pedophilia sex offenders cannot be cured and their behavior cannot be controlled."

Apparently, "The homosexual activist movement and organized pedophiles are linked together by a common goal: To gain access to children for seduction into homosexuality."

Apparently, "there's just no reliable evidence to claim that Homosexuality is anything but a choice" and can be cured.

It's like a tidy little illogic problem:

1. Pedophiles are born that way and can't be cured.
2. Gays are pedophiles.
3. Therefore, gays are born that way and can't be cured.
4. Except gays aren't born that way and can be cured.
5. Gays are pedophiles.
6. Therefore, pedophiles aren't born that way and can be cured.
7. Except pedophiles are born that way and can't be cured....

At about this point in any good Star Trek episode, the android's head explodes.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

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Full Moon

It has long been believed that the full moon has an influence on human behavior.

The Ivory Madonna is firmly convinced, and not all the statistics in the world will change her mind. A lifetime of observation has left no doubt in her mind.

For a period of two weeks before and after each full moon, human beings behave like stark, raving lunatics.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

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All-Purpose Religious News Story

The following is offered as a time-saver for harried reporters. Just fill in the appropriate blanks.

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A melee broke out last week in [city], after a group of fundamentalist [name of religion] young people set a fire outside a celebrated [artwork] that portrays [religious figure] as [attribute].

The [work]’s content has led to threats against the work and its creator. In the latest, a group of young people torched [person, place, or thing]. [Officials] intervened and as many as [number] people joined the fight, according to news reports.

[Name of work] toured [place] widely after it premiered in [city] in [year]. At times, [name of artist] was given police protection from the resulting threats. [Portion of work] was damaged/destroyed in [year] by a protester wielding [weapon].

[Religious leader] has denounced [artist] and [work] and called for [punishment]. All across [portion of world], protests have sprung up calling for [punishment] for [artist] and [dire fate] for [work], leaving [number] dead and/or injured.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

People Aren't Rational

It's something the Ivory Madonna constatntly has to remind herself...people aren't rational.

Take religious believers (please!) We keep wanting them to make sense. We say things like, "According to your own beliefs, if you are against abortion then you should also be agaisnt the death penalty" or "Your own scriptures tell you that all unbelievers should be put to death, how can you believe that?"

It doesn't work that way. Religious belief isn't consistent and doesn't make sense. Religious believers don't study their scripture and beliefs in order to decide their opinions -- they form their opinions first, then cherry-pick among their scriptures and beliefs to justify those opinions. Anything in the scripture or the beliefs that contradicts their opinions...they just ignore. Or rationalize away.

Take free market forces. We keep wanting to assume that people will make rational decisions in the free market...and that over time, the decisions people make will lead to a better life for all.

It doesn't work that way. Unleaded gasoline is a great example. A few decades ago, lead poisoning was epidemic among children, largely due to lead in gasoline. Unleaded gasoline was safer, but more expensive. But is was clear that we would all be better off if we moved to unleaded gasoline.

Did consumers make the rational decision, and buy unleaded gas even though it cost more? Did market forces drive leaded gasoline away?

You know it didn't happen that way. Government regulation forced leaded gasoline off the market. If we'd relied on market forces to do the job, leaded gas would still be everywhere, and we'd be into the second or third generation of brain-damaged adults. (Hmmm...has anyone investigated lead exposure and the Bush family?)

Yes, individual people can behave rationally and make rational decisions, and should be encouraged to do so. But it's not our default state -- and we should stop assuming it is.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

He Died Doing What He Loved

It's a phrase common in obituaries: "He died doing what he loved."

Not to pick on any particular person or occupation, but it's often said of sports figures, daredevils, and soldiers.

As if dying while doing something you love is somehow noble, or at least admirable.

No disrespect, but that's total hooey.

Anyone who dies of a drug overdose "died doing what he loved." A psycho sniper shot down in mid-rampage "died doing what he loved." Suicide bombers "die doing what they love." Mohammad Atta "died doing what he loved."

If you die while doing something careless, stupid, or downright immoral, whether or not you loved that thing doesn't make it any less careless, stupid, or immoral. And if you don't die from it, the fact that you loved it still doesn't change things.

Perhaps we are conditioned to believe that "doing what you love" is basically a good thing, and that takes some of the sting out of death. And in some cosmic sense, maybe dying while doing something you love is better than dying while doing something you hate (but we also speak of death coming as a blessed release from pain, so perhaps not...)

Or maybe, when contemplating death, we are desperate to find something...anything...positive to say.

Personally, I think I'd rather be remembered with the words, "She lived doing what she loved. And it was something worthwhile."

M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Non-Theist

More and more, the Ivory Madonna is describing herself as a "non-theist." She prefers this term to "atheist," and here's why.

Ask an atheist if god (or gods) exist, and the atheist will treat the question as one worthy of serious consideration. The answer is "no," but the question is entertained.

Ask a non-theist the same question, and the non-theist won't even admit that the question is worthy of consideration.

Perhaps an analogy will help.

Let's consider Frodo Baggins, hero of Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings. This plucky little Hobbit bore the One Ring all the way to Mordor and into the fires of Mount Doom, thereby saving the world. Afterward, he went into the West, to live happily ever after with the Elves and Valar.

Imagine running into someone who calls himself a Frodoist. This person is convinced that Frodo exists. Ask him, "Does Frodo exist?" and his answer will be an enthusiastic "yes!"

A Frodo-agnostic is not sure if Frodo exists or not. Asked "Does Frodo exist?" the Frodo-Agnostic answers, "I'm not sure."

An a-Frodoist is sure Frodo doesn't exist. Asked "Does Frodo exist?" the a-Frodoist answers, "No, I'm certain that Frodo does not exist."

A non-Frodoist (which describes just about all of us), when asked "Does Frodo exist?" answers, "What an idiotic question! It's a great story, but if you have to ask whether Frodo actually exists, you are either (a) a very small child, or (b) out of your flipping mind."

The Ivory Madonna trusts that you get the point.

No one is a Frodoist, Frodo-agnostic, or a-Frodist. We are all non-Frodoists. (The Ivory Madonna leaves out a very few True believers.) Similarly, we are all non-Rhett-Butlerists, non-Bugs-Bunnyists, and non-Zhivagoists.

In the same way, the Ivory Madonna is a non-theist.

Like The Lord of the Rings, the whole God/Bible/Jehovah/Jesus thing is a story. Also true of the Koran, the Greek and Norse myths, Hindu mythology, etc. One can enjoy, appreciate, and critique all or parts of these tales as literature.

But when it comes to the point of seriously asking whether god (or gods) are real...well, you have the mentality of either (a) a very small child or (b) a flipping idiot.

-M.

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Idiots Against Cancer Vaccine

According to this story, Texas Governor Rick Perry "issued an order Friday making Texas the first state to require that schoolgirls get vaccinated against the sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer."

The article goes on to say that "Perry sidestepped opposition in the Legislature from conservatives and parents' rights groups who fear such a requirement would condone premarital sex and interfere with the way Texans raise their children."

Excuse me?

For more than half a century we have been anxiously awaiting a cure for cancer. Okay, technically this is a vaccine, not a cure, but the Ivory Madonna is not about to quibble over technicalities.

We have a cure for cancer. And there are idiots who are against it.

We don't have food pills, we don't have flying cars, but we now have a fucking cure for cancer. And these nitwits oppose it.

If these fools don't want to belong to the 21st Century, the Ivory Madonna sees no reason that they should be brought into it, kicking and screaming. Let them stay in an antiquated, primitive world that doesn't include such scientific wonders as a cure for cancer.

But why should those fools be allowed to take innocent little girls with them? And not just their own little girls, the way Christian Scientists and the Amish do...these fools want everyone's little girls to stay in the dark ages. They're not content to let their own little girls die of cancer -- they want to prevent everyone's little girls from getting the vaccine.

That's not just stupid...it's criminal.

Listen, all of you who are against the vaccine -- go back to your primitive, pre-Millennial world. Be like the Amish...withdraw from the technological society you hate so much, leave the rest of us to enjoy our medical progress and cures for cancer. We promise we won't ever pollute your bodies with the treatments and cures that 21st-century medicine brings us.

But don't force the rest of us to live in the dark ages with you. And don't take our little girls.

M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Numbers

In the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, a grand total of 2,973 people died.

As of today, 3,000 American troops have died in Mr. Bush's Iraq war.

Who is the bigger butcher...al Queada or Bush?

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

The War on Earthquakes

While watching a science show the other night, the Ivory Madonna heard the following statement about earthquakes:

We know that there are going to be large earthquakes, and that they are going to injure and kill thousands of people. The best we can do is to study earthquakes, learn as much as we can about them, and take whatever steps we can to minimize the risks to those who are caught in them.

Two thought experiments spring to mind.

First, in the statement above, replace the word "earthquakes" with "terrorism."

Okay, have you thought about that for a moment? Good. Here's the second thought experiment. In the phrase "War on Terrorism," replace the word "terrorism" with "earthquakes."

The War on Earthquakes.

The notion of conducting a "war" on earthquakes is so patently absurd, that it's hard not to giggle. Whatever the appropriate response to earthquakes, war is obvious not it.

So when those in power speak of a "war on terrorism" (or, more frequently, a "war on terror"), why don't we all giggle and dismiss the notion as the absurdity it is?

Study terrorism. Learn all we can about it. Take whatever steps we can to minimize the risks to those caught in it. But don't make war against it, and don't think you're ever going to eliminate it entirely.

What's next, a war on volcanoes? Military campaigns against blizzards? More troops to eliminate the threat of tsunamis?

M.

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

What To Do About Iraq

Everyone says that nobody has a solution to the mess in Iraq. Well, they haven't asked the Ivory Madonna.

In June 2005 she told you the solution, and she's going to repeat it here. Take notes, folks, because there will be a quiz.

Step One: Admit that the presence of US troops makes the problem worse, and commit to getting them out of Iraq as soon as possible.

Step Two: Go to the United Nations and apologize. Apologize for creating this mess, apologize for making it worse, apologize for saying nasty things about the U.N. If Bush must go, hat-in-hand, then so be it. Let him wait in the snow for the Secretary-General to admit him. If his stubborn pride won't allow him to go, then send Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. The world must see that we know we've made a mistake, and we're sorry.

Step Three: Ask the U.N. to take over in Iraq. With any luck, they'll put together a multinational force with lots of representation from Muslim nations, but it's not our place to tell the U.N. how. We've screwed up so badly, it's not our place to tell anyone how to clean up.

Step Four: Pay for it. Make a national commitment to provide the U.N. with the money to get the job done. Yes, that's going to mean higher taxes, elimination of the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, and we will have to give up some of the things we were hoping we could accomplish. Tough. We broke it, we need to pay for it.

Step Five: Shut up and get the hell out of the way. We can't be telling people what to do and trying to impose our will on the world any more. The U.S. has no credibility on the world stage right now. Now is the time for us to follow orders, not give them.

Step Six: Get U.S. troops out of Iraq as soon as the U.N. thinks we should...but make it sooner rather than later. Months, not years.

If we follow these recommendations, we have a chance of getting out of this in an honorable, workable fashion. We have a chance to begin repairing the damaged reputation of the U.S. We have a chance to start getting the world back on our side.

There, that wasn't too difficult, was it?

M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Immigration

The question of the day seems to be, how is the US going to keep out all those Hispanics who sneak in, wanting nothing more than a better life for themselves and their families.

Conservatives are full of solutions. Throw the undocumented/illegal immigrants in jail. (Conservatives love anything that will give them an excuse to build more prisons.) Send them back to their home countries. (It's free trade, you see.) Beef up the borders: build a fence (yeah, that will work), build a wall (hey, it worked for Hadrian!), hire more border guards and have them shoot to kill (on the plus side, it would mean more men with guns and more people getting killed in Texas; on the minus side, where are we going to get all the extra border guards? I know, we'll hire illegal aliens!).

None of these solutions are really workable. Yet there is a philosophy there that might be useful if we just look at it the right way. That philosophy is, "stop them before they get here."

Why do people come into the US illegally (and often at great physical risk)? Why will they keep coming, even if we build a Great Wall across the southern border? Because they're looking for a better life than they have at home.

The obvbious solution: Make their home lives better.

Okay, these folks come into the US from all of South and Central America. And the Ivory Madonna is willing to admit that it's a little extreme to think of raising the standard of living in all those countries. Thus, she presents a more modest proposal. Call it The Great Wall of Mexico.

Let us embark upon a Marshall-type plan to raise the standard of living in Mexico to the equivalent of (at least) Europe's.

What does this do? First, it removes the incentive for Mexicans to come into the US. Why go through all the trouble of illegal immigration if things at home aren't so bad? (We don't seem to have a problem with millions of people sneaking across the northern border from Canada.) Second (and this is the key bit), it makes Mexico the target from the rest of Central & South America. After all, most US-bound immigrants pass through Mexico on their way (kinda hard to cross the southern US border without going through Mexico). If life in Mexico is good, why won't they stop there?

In effect, we could turn Mexico into a "wall," a thousand-mile buffer zone that would soak up potential immigrants before they get to the US.

As time goes on, we could continue the Marshall-type plans southward, eventually to raise the standard of living for all of Central & South America.

Yes, the Great Wall of Mexico would cost a lot -- but so would prisons, armed guards, and border fences from San Diego to Brownsville. And this way, the money would go to productive uses.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Rising Tides

The catchphrase among conservatives is "a rising tide lifts all boats."

Our experience during the Bush years has showed that while a rising tide may lift all boats, a tide that rises too high also overtops the levies and drowns low-lying houses.

In other words...conservative economic policies are great if you're on a boat (particularly one you inherited from your rich parents or grandparents) -- but hell if you're in a low-lying house with no realistic means of escape.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Secularizin Religious Holidays

We are coming out of a winter holiday season in which the Christianists made themselves extraordinarily obnoxious over the "secularization" of religious holidays, particularly Christmas. (The Ivory Madonna prefers to call it Krismas, a celebration of the birth of Kris Kringle . . .but she's also rather fond of "Happy Chrismahanukwazakah" as a greeting.)

How odd, then, that St. Valentine's Day came and went in a thoroughly secular fashion, without a murmur from the Christianists. How odd that they aren't out in the streets protesting the secularization of St. Patrick's Day.

Or, perhaps not so odd. They realize that Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day, like Christmas, have become the property of the larger (secular) culture, and that they'd sound pretty silly protesting that no one honors the "sanctity of St. Valentine's Day" or the "deeper meaning of St. Patrick's Day."

What they don't realize, is that their identical arguments about Christmas sound equally silly.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

South Dakota

So the South Dakota legislature has passed a bill outlawing abortion, and the Governor seems certain to sign it into law.

This kind of theocratic, non-inclusive politics no doubt explains why South Dakota is such an economic, intellectual, and cultural powerhouse.

The phrase "cultural wasteland" springs to mind....

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

The Opening Wedge Down the Slippery Slope

"If we allow gay marriage, the next step is polygamy/incestual marriage/marraige to pets/marriage to Fords/etc."

The conservatives and Christianists say this all the time.

Take a step back. What they are actually saying is:

The sole reason that we don't have polygamy/etc. is because gays can't marry. Once gays are allowed to marry, there is no other conceivable reason to bar polygamy, incestual marriage, etc.

Huh?

The only thing preventing marriage between people and their pets, is the fact that two women who love one another can't marry?

Do they have any idea how stupid that is?

Obviously not.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

The Death Penalty

There's talk again about the death penalty.

The Ivory Madonna is neither for nor against. Her position is a little more nuanced, and frankly, she distrusts anyone who has an absolutist view on the matter. She distrusts anyone who claims that they know all the answers. Absolutely. :)

Personally, the Ivory Madonna would prefer not to use the death penalty. She tends to agree with Gandalf the Grey: "Many who live deserve death. And some who die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement."

Still, in the case of a particularly heinous criminal -- a Jeffrey Dahmer or Timothy McVeigh -- when the evidence is clear-cut and there is no chance of mistake . . . then if you feel that you must execute, for "closure" or "justice" or whatever reason, the Ivory Madonna will not stand in your way.

(She will say that it was probably a mistake to execute McVeigh so soon . . . who knows what accomplices he might have had, or other plans he might have alerted us to? We will never know.)

Now, to the Ivory Madonna's taste, death is too easy a punishment in such cases -- the sort of namby-pamby, bleeding-heart sentimentality that liberals are always accused of. Life in prison -- real prison, not white-collar country clubs -- is a much more lasting punishment, and should satisfy anyone's lust for revenge. But she's certainly not going to object if the rest of you want to put a McVeigh or Dahmer out of his misery quickly.

It's the less clear-cut cases that are the problem, isn't it? The ones where there is a shadow of doubt . . . even a bare possibility of mistake. For death is, in computer terms, "not-undoable." If someone is imprisoned and we find out we've made a mistake, they can be freed. If someone is fined and we find out we've made a mistake, they can be paid back. But if someone is killed and we find out we've made a mistake . . . which we have, in the past . . . there's really no way to make good.

You'd think Christians and Christianists would be familiar with this concept: their Jesus said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." But Christians and Christianists are too busy fighting gay marriage and protesting abortion to speak up about the death penalty.

Long ago, the Ivory Madonna read some philosopher or theologian, she can't remember whom, who was speaking of the existence of Hell. He said: "Because god is just, I believe that there is a Hell. And because god is merciful, I believe that Hell is empty."

The Ivory Madonna thinks that isn't a bad model for the death penalty. Because we are just, we should have a death penalty. And because we are merciful, we should not use it.

Lots of people have the "just" thing down pat; it's the "merciful" that they need to work on.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

Stay the Course

The Ivory Madonna has changed her mind about the war in Iraq.

She is no longer advocating an immediate withdrawal of US troops, coupled with efforts to persuade other nations (especially Arab countries) to take over peacekeeping duties in Iraq.

Instead, she now believes that the US should Stay the Course.

(stay with me here)

The Ivory Madonna believes that it is vitally important for the United States to keep troops in Iraq until the job is done. That we should definitely Stay the Course. For how long? Well, ideally until the middle of November, 2008...but at very least until the middle of November of 2006.

Why has the Ivory Madonna changed her mind?

Because if the US keeps troops in Iraq until the November 2006 elections, then it's almost certain that the Republicans will lose control of both the House and the Senate. And if we can keep our boys & girls over there until after the 2008 elections, then there won't be a single Republican left in office anywhere in the country.

Yes, there will be casualties, and the Ivory Madonna regrets that. But our brave soldiers are fighting for more than liberty and democracy in Iraq -- they are fighting to preserve liberty and democracy here in the United States. Their injuries and deaths will not be in vain...for each one brings us closer to the complete defeat of tyranny here at home.

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.

No Relief for Louisiana

My friend and creator, Don Sakers, has issued the following statement about Louisiana and the devastation that state has suffered from Hurricane Katrina.

As I write this, much of Louisiana -- including New Orleans -- is a disaster area. The damage done by Hurricane Katrina was devastating, refugees are in bad straits everywhere, and there is widespread looting and pillaging in the streets.

Under ordinary circumstances, I would rush to my checkbook to send off a donation to the Red Cross. I have routinely done this in the wake of every major disaster in the last few decades.

However, these are not ordinary circumstances.

In 2004, the residents of Louisiana overwhelmingly approved a constitutional amendment denying same-sex couples not only the right to marry, but the right to enter into any sort of civil union. Louisiana made it blindingly, abundantly clear that they did not want same-sex couples in their state. In Louisiana, gay people are second-class citizens.

Well, if Louisiana doesn't want us, it certainly doesn't want our money. Therefore, I will not be sending any relief money to Louisiana. I urge all other gay people and their friends not to send any gay-tainted dollars to this bigoted state. They have made their bed, now let them float in it.

-Don Sakers

What more can I say but "You go, girl!"

-M

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The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.